Drug Abuse and Children

Just Grow Up

  When did Mother’s Day become such a hostile holiday? I do not remember it always being like this. Mother’s day is not an evil holiday and being a Mother is not evil! What ever happened to just be nice and celebrate.

I acknowledge there are some who were not good Mothers. Many were estranged, had mental issues, perhaps they are incarcerated. I lost my Mother at a very young age to a tragic and horrific violent death so yes, I understand. Times were not always easy and those bad memories are hard to deal with at times. Rather than remain in such an angry position can we finally realize that blaming our mothers for every present situation has just become a habit that we need to break..

Some mothers did the best they could do with what they had. We all can at least acknowledge that.  If you are a living being then you know that life is not always peaches and lemon drops!  It saddens me that in a time when we need people in our life that do love us by how many adult children do not include their mother (or father) into their adult life. Does this mean that as a parent we really messed up and we are the only ones that are totally wrong?

More and more I am seeing a trend of adult children expecting much more out of their parents than they are willing themselves to give.  As a parent I see how many adult children are using their family as a tool to manipulate. It does not mean it does not hurt when they decide to hold grudges or hold the grandchildren as hostage. It does hurts….but life goes on. As much as we want to think that we did not raise our children like this part of who they are now is a result of their upbringing. We also have to know that some adults are simply ungrateful and disrespectful and chose to take this road on their own. I, for one am sorry for what part I played in not always having the right attitude or acting in anger.

Adult children who decide to cut their parents off is their own form of abuse. I have been on the parent bashing road too but it doesn’t help anyone. The difference is I finally accepted responsibility for ME and I had a conscious enough to realize it was not all their fault. I finally grew up and realized it was not all about me and life is just tough sometimes. I didn’t have to look back too far to see there were times that I knew we were happy or my parents were barely surviving.

Every family has had its share of irreconcilable circumstances. Some had alcoholic parents. Some mothers were simply property to use and others were tough and held the family together while barely scraping by. Did we all get the nurturing we need? Absolutely not! Yet, when our parents were sick we were there for them. Some of us had to do the nursing ourselves, others were able to fund their care. We did not think twice about it. We did not whine about not receiving what we expected from our mother or father. Instead we had the respect and remembered to “Honor thy father and mother.”  They gave us life. They supplied the best they could for us. They listened to our crap about struggling to pay bills or had problems with the spouse or children.  They sent some of these adult children to college on their tab.

I just want to scream when I hear, “I love my parents and I believe they did what they could but.….” You are kidding me right?  Before you add your …but… realize that this is a form of abandonment from your parents. When your parent is sick they need you! Please think before you reply “I have a job and the kid has soccer practice.” It seems that it is coming so easy for too many adult children to blame the parents than to face their own problems and change themselves.  That self righteous ability to walk away from the parents that gave you life, shelter, food, education, affection and advice is abhorring!  We all would like to say we had the best nurturing home life but that is not always the case.

We were not alcoholics nor did we drink. We never did illegal drugs or have wild parties. Did we mess up. Yes we did! Perfect parents do not exist. Life did not come with a guarantee of perfect parenting and perfect nurturing. Sometimes it does not matter what you do now or what you did then, there are some that only care for themselves and no one else. They are ungrateful and do not take one morsel of responsibility for the way they behave. Family or not, I’m beyond exhausted of dealing with adults who refuse to grow up.

Unless your parents abused beyond what your menial mind has decided is abuse, you have NO right to act like this! No child has lived a perfect childhood and neither did your parents! Grow up adult children!  I do believe that you have no obligation or duty to have respect for your parents. I also believe this reflects your own self-hatred. Are you perfect? Were you perfect? Will you ever be perfect? NO!

Parents, never accept less than you are worth. Right now you have to remind yourself who you are. Acknowledge your successes and victories both real and acquired for simply surviving.

I Stand.

I Stand Unapologetically

for the concerns of the very poor; for single mothers and hungry children, for out of work men and struggling fathers. For broken veterans and families just trying to get by in a country that is slowly stripping away aid for them. If we cannot, or will not, stand for the “least of these” as a country, as a community, as family units and individuals….then what have we become?

I stand for these people because they need, and deserve, voices. I stand for them because they are, by and large, good, decent, hard working, dedicated family people who are just trying to make it. I stand for them because they are made in the image of God, and deeply beloved by Him….and by me.

And I wash my hands of any political group that looks down upon them, or exploits them for political gain (which pretty much means both parties are out) and forgets these are worthy people too.

We in America look the other way so often; we blame the homeless vet on the street for lacking a home, and for self medicating his illness (both physical and mental) with whatever he can find. Forgetting the service he gave. We scorn the single mother, and blame her for abusing the system, when she is trying to feed her kids. We curl our collective lips in mockery of the middle aged or older man doing whatever work he can find, because he still needs aid on top of that to pay his rent. We cross to the other side of the road rather than face the hand out, beseeching us to do something.

Yes, there are some people that abuse the system. Fine, hire auditors to go over records, hire more social workers, manage the problem. But don’t yank the rug out from under those who are really trying, and barely managing. And if you do, then don’t you dare call yourself a follower of Jesus Christ.

Copied from Beth Hayes Butler facebook page

Manipulators make us crazy!

 

            You Know You Are Being Manipulated. Why Continue To Allow It?

There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response – “It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment – but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry.”

Crazy making – saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.

Honesty Is Expensive – Cheap People Lie

   -Psychopaths lie in order to dominate others-
Because relationships are games to them, and because they view other people as objects and feel completely justified in exploiting them, psychopaths know that deception creates an uneven playing field. Lying is integral to impression management and mirroring; the lies enable psychopaths to present false images of themselves to potential targets. Those targets lose the ability to make safe and appropriate decisions. They enter into the relationships, unaware of the danger in store for them. Then, once the targets are hooked, psychopaths continue to use lies, along with a sprinkling of truth, in a multitude of ways, to ensure that their targets keep “playing.” They lie to cover up cheating, alcoholism, drug use, and sometimes various illegal activities. They lie through evasion and by withholding information. They lie as a form of gaslighting, in order to increase their control over their targets by making them constantly question themselves. They often repeatedly tell the ultimate lie, that they “love” their targets. And, they lie just for the fun of it.

-Psychopaths actually feel a form of pleasure when they lie
Unlike lies told out of fear or to hide shame, psychopathic lies are often told because they bring a shallow form of pleasure to the liar. This is called “Duper’s Delight.” This explains why psychopaths sometimes lie when it is completely unnecessary or when the truth would be more advantageous. Psychopaths also include a variety of details in their lies, not only because it makes their lies sound more credible, but also because they enjoy constructing a false reality and making others believe it. It feeds their need for power and provides them with sick entertainment.

-Psychopaths lie effortlessly and are very convincing
Psychopaths experience pleasure from lying because they lack the normal range of human emotions. They are empty and bored, they lack empathy for others, and they do not feel shame or remorse. This emptiness also enables them to lie with minimal effort. They can look other people straight in the eye, without flinching, and lie quickly and guiltlessly, even when confronted with probing questions and evidence of previous deception. It is also easy for them to deny the lies, make up excuses, and project their own behavior on to others, which is, of course, a lie in itself. Although some psychopaths do not bother with apologies, others say they’re sorry on a regular basis, and because they say this without feeling any shame, they can come across as sincere.

-Psychopaths lie to make others feel sorry for them
All psychopaths know exactly how to elicit sympathy from their targets. They are exploiters, and so they take advantage of the natural desire most people have to help and nurture their fellow human beings. They use deception (and sometimes a smidgeon of truth) to create a plethora of fabricated ailments and problems. Common pity plays include fake illnesses and injuries, along with “crazy” exes, car accidents, and theft, to name just a few. Psychopaths generate as many pretend sob stories as needed in order to draw others into their hidden games, again and again and again. The ability they have to lie pathologically, easily, and confidently makes it possible for them to convince others that such an implausible number of tragedies is plausible, which unfortunately opens the door to a variety of manipulation and exploitation opportunities.

http://www.psychopathfree.com

The Narcissist Needs “Groupies”

     A narcissist is similar to a hoarder in that they collect people. They view people as objects, meant to be used, they serve as either a supply, potential supply, or they have no purpose. A narc will have a long list of people that can be manipulated to get exactly what they need. Their harem is comprised of ex-friends, potential friends and those who wish to be their friend. It can be coworkers, neighbors and family also included on their list. Basically anyone who will boast their sense of superiority and ego by placing them on a pedestal. A narcissist will always keep all options open. They never want to truly close or end any past relationships.

You are NOT TO BLAME!

You are NOT TO BLAME

When I read this on post on the facebook.  I found it interesting.

After Narcissistic Abuse – There is Light, Life & Love

You are NOT TO BLAME for any of this it is/was ALL Smoke and Mirrors that created a horrendous and fake reality, and unfortunately an agenda that abused and extorted your life!

The first thing that the targets/victims of Narcissists need to know is that they are not to blame! You didn’t “ask for abuse” by living your life in a normal manner or by speaking up and demanding that you deserved respect. You most certainly didn’t deserve abuse because you loved and practiced empathy either! You didn’t enter into your relationship in whatever manner you did to endure abuse. You didn’t raise a family with a Narcissist to have the family unit destroyed by a Narcissist that would even abuse their own biological children or any family member or person. So what is up with the belief that this abuse can be JUSTIFIED in any manner.

Are You Being Manipulated?

Are You Being Manipulated?

There are many personality disorders that fall under the class of manipulator. The Self Centered Narcissist is one of the greatest of all manipulators. The narcissist often chooses a profession, guild, organization, occupation, or a job where he or she can manipulate others or the system like a puppeteer. Through their words and actions, intended to impress and seduce, they control lives, thoughts, and perceptions to achieve their objective. Narcissism and Manipulation are intertwined.

Manipulation – The practice of steering an individual into a desired behavior for the purpose of achieving a hidden personal goal

Narcissists Are Great Actors

Narcissists Are Great Actors 

Narcissists will pour on the charm!  They will light up a room.  They love being at the center of everyone’s attention and will play the crowd to remain in the limelight.  You may have gone to a party with them but you soon realize you are just a decoration.  The Narcissist will immediately began to work the room.  At first you may be fascinated and find their antics entertaining.

The Narcissist is so preoccupied with making an impression on people that their need for recognition puts them on stage -all of the time.  Never relaxing, they are their own agents who are constantly studying their audiences to see if everyone is impressed. It is difficult for a Narcissist to be an audience for long.  It is difficult because they are not the center of attention. Many times the jokes will be at the expense of the ones closest to the Narcissist.
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If you are close to a narcissist, one of the clear identifiers they are a Narcissist, is witnessing their rage when you disapprove of their behavior. Narcissists don’t like being discovered. We continue to try and expose them but we soon realize that exposure may never happen.  Narcissist are master manipulators. It is very important to learn to trust your feelings and when you realize that you’re constantly walking on eggshells, break away from them before you lose your own sanity and/or sense of self.

Some insights from Legendary Narcissists

What I’ve learned about Narcissists So Far

  “If you seek approval from others, Narcissists smell it on you like a shark smells blood in water.”

What I’ve learned about Narcissists so far:

1. In the beginning you’re so important to them, they’re so If you seek approval from others, Narcissists smell it on you like a shark smells blood in water good to you, charming, etc. you think they’re your soulmate. They promise to be someone who loves you and thinks you are special. They mirror to you your ideal partner/friend/etc.
2. Then they turn the mirror around so that your job – as they define it – is to provide supply for them. If they sense reluctance or you’re getting tired or complain etc. they will turn on the charm to disarm you and keep you in your proper place – as a host.
3. No empathy or compassion = they cannot feel the feelings you feel.
4. At times in rage or frustration or impatience when their supply needs are going unmet you may see their face transform into a hateful, monster-like look so alien and surprising you are caught off guard and are confused or shocked by it. It is as if their craziness shows through.
5. To an N a relationship consists of 4 things ONLY:
(a) Evaluate (make sure you’re supply material),
(b) use, (take without giving, exploit kindness, etc.),
(c) manipulate (to continue usage), and
(d) discard (when they’re done.)
6. Throw away mentality includes people, kids and pets, etc.
7. Often they give weird, clueless, tacky, inappropriate, cheap gifts.
8. They exhibit “Talk Salad”; a term used for the way psychotics throw all sorts of words around mixed up. The N throws key words around without the meaning or the feeling WE know them to mean, e.g. love, close, bond, communicate, promise, change.  They learn what words you use when you talk about what you feel, need or want and throw them back to you in a “salad” in a conversation where you heard the key words but you have a confused sense about the conversation and what they really said or meant. They throw words with deep meanings to us around like razors and then charge in like vampires to suck the life energy draining from us.

N’s feel they are Special:
S – special and unique
P – preoccupied with fantasies of their ideal situation
E – entitlement
C – conceited, grandiose self-importance
I – interpersonal exploitation
A – arrogant (haughty)
L – lacks empathy
Being: Seduced, coerced, blackmailed, extorted, tricked, manipulated, used, having your “soul” or be-ing abused, etc. Causes: Resentment, betrayal, self-doubt, guilt, shame, anger. Also causes many symptoms of many “disease” i.e. PTSD. Depression, anxiety, nightmares, negative thinking, distrust of self, life, others, emotional flashbacks, increased neediness, emotional, sensitive, uncertainty, fears. We internalize the injustice done, question self and gut feelings.
Confusion: it doesn’t make sense to you that they cannot relate to love and kindness, you can’t comprehend that love doesn’t work or heal this person, you don’t realize what comes natural to you is not in everyone. We cannot grasp a lack of conscience, we feel what is right/wrong inside of us and assume they do too.  Example: They don’t break a law/rule because they don’t like the consequences (jail, losing supply), we don’t break a law/rule because it doesn’t feel right.

MANIPULATION TACTICS (how they get you to give them their N-supply)
• They accuse you of being uncaring or ungrateful if you resist doing what they want and of course, for loving people being unloving is the absolute worst thing to be, we jump to prove how loving we are because we assume they are telling the truth.
• They like vulnerable, needy, giving, shy people that they can use.
• They withhold love, attention, appreciation and being reciprocal which keeps you working hard towards that end, keeps you off balance, needy, etc.
• They distort or invalidate your reality and feelings, you feel crazy.
• They make unfair comparisons, minimize your accomplishments, get angry if your giving anyone else attention (including kids, pets, your hobbies, etc.)
• They get upset if you’re happy.
• You’re made to feel guilty if you’re not meeting their needs or expectations.
• They have you believe that to feel loved or special you have to do what they want and expect.

Misc. statements I can relate to from N-support groups online:
“It does something to your motivation to do it all over again (trust again, work toward your hopes and dreams again)”.
“It feels like a part of you dies. It feels like your life has crumbled or was lost, you feel shattered or in shock.”
“We believed wholeheartedly something that turned out to be an illusion.”
“Recovery is possible, it may take some time You had a blind spot and when you realize you had it and that someone was intentionally working from that place to use you, it can feel devastating. You might feel there is no point to your life now. You might feel now you have to start all over again, now you have to make new dreams and try to live with the reality that the old ones are gone forever. ”
“Recovery is a process, it can include being side tracked, relapsing into old behaviors or beliefs, is hard to do alone, can feel like a long road, never-ending, wondering how you’ll ever get back to your “old self”.
“You may feel feelings of grief, anger, pain, loss, hurt, anguished, as you deal with some of the hardest things a person is forced to accept. No matter what you do – they don’t feel your love. We might think they can if only we could give enough. ”
“We instinctively know to give love helps people heal – but not the N’s, they are taking it for other reasons and it does nothing for them nor does it make them love us. The rug is pulled out from under you, they don’t love you back, we can’t grasp that rejection because we can’t grasp selfishness, or deliberately using someone while pretending to love them and we didn’t know that love does not work with all people. ”
“Faith is a difficult thing to maintain after so much major disappointment. We may question life/God/purpose of life, etc. ”
“While one is healing there is a tendency to be needy You want to trust but sometimes you have to step back.”
“You may jump at any crumb of attention or “love” and are vulnerable Sometimes there are no answers. ”
“We had become blind to the one-sidedness of the relationship and always wind up giving far too much and receiving little to nothing. We were blind to deliberate deceptiveness. ”
“You’re trying to fight for love, the N is fighting to save and keep his/her supply.”
“We have a lot of losses to grieve.”
“We may have been distracted and missed out on things or failed to take good care of ourselves.”
“We need time to digest all of this.”
“It’s difficult to explain it to others.”
“It’s as though they’ve blemished our very being. ”
“They don’t see the light that shines in us. ”
“N’s might be “crazy” or have something wrong with them, something missing, but they can be intelligent, they can look very good on the outside. They are like aliens under cover.”

What Can We Do Now?
#1 – Create a network of healthy people
#2 – Actively take care of yourself, treat yourself good, examine what YOU like and realize what you deserve.
#3 – Seek help if you need it

Dealing With The N:
1. Become contrary (do the opposite of what they want, reverse psychology)
2. Refuse quietly or simply rebel
3. Distract them with flattery or praise, (“you’re so good at that”, etc.) and then get away from them
4. If you want them to do something – tell them it hurts your feelings
5. Agree with them and then leave before they get to the destructive stuff (“maybe you’re right”.)
6. Set guidelines, boundaries with consequences – do NOT discuss it
7. Avoid all or most interactions with them
8. Employ emotional insulation (“shields up”) in their presence
9. Become indifferent to them (your face is blank, let your thoughts wander, your thoughts are elsewhere, your posture is relaxed, flat expression in your eyes, don’t sit directly across from them, you are not aware of any particular sensation, tune out their feeling words, you hear words but not feelings. You are aware of their existence but that’s all.)
10. DON’T use logic and rational arguments
11. DON’T try to get them to assume responsibility
12. DON’T tell them your hurt
13. DON’T point out how unfair things are
14. DON’T attack or be sarcastic
15. Disappear
16. There is no hope for it to work out, it gets worse, they won’t change, cut your losses or lose more, don’t wait for what they promised, it was never there for them to give.
17. Trust yourself.
18. There is hope for you.
19. You can recover, you can heal, you can grow, you can change, you can be happy, you can be loved, you can move on, you can do it.
Thank you for being there for me.
Recent Insight: If you seek approval from others, Narcissists smell it on you like a shark smells blood in water.

Insights copied from Dragonheart.